“Accidental Love” – probably the worst movie of the year.

What were you thinking Jake Gyllenhaal? Just on the back of his role in the widely-acclaimed Nightcrawler, this talented actor appears in what can only be described as bumbling, bewildering drivel. In fact, the film Accidental Love, features a host of supremely talented actors (Oscar-nominated Catherine Keener and award-winning comedian Tracy Morgan also star), who are surely cringing with embarrassment and crawling into corners rocking themselves, making puppy-noises.

Why a film that made $4 500 in its limited US release in 2011 is being released in South Africa in 2015 is beyond comprehension. Director David O’Russell (considered a damn fine filmmaker having made movies like Silver Linings Playbook and American Hustle) quit the project in 2010 after it was halted four times due to financial problems. His name was taken off the credits and the film was hammered together.

Accidental Love is an awful, failed parody in which waitress Alice Eckle (Jessica Biel), heads to congress after a hospital refuses to remove a nail that accidentally got stuck in her head, because she lacks health insurance (clearly dating this film pre-Obamacare).

The nail causes Alice to start acting a bit cuckoo. She randomly speaks Portuguese, falls into inexplicable rages and becomes a sex maniac. She decides to seek help in Washington DC after seeing a freshman politician, Howard Birdwell (Jake Gyllenhaal), makes a televised promise to help all people. When Alice turns up in his office to campaign for healthcare for those with weird injuries, Howard explains that in American politics, “socialist healthcare” is not a priority. Despite this Howard decides to help Alice and her two other bizarrely-injured companions: a priest with a permanent erection and a friend whose weight-lifting regimen has led to a collapsed anus (I’m not making this up, I swear).

Catherine Keener is a farce as the house whip who tries to convince Congress to build a military base on the moon, rather than spend money on healthcare.

This is all accompanied by a cheesy instrumental soundtrack, the purpose of which is unclear.

Watch at your own peril.

Director: the pseudonymous Stephen Green

Cast: Jessica Biel, Jake Gyllenhaal, Catherine Keener, Tracy Morgan

Rating: 0 (that is zero, zilch, nothing) out of 5

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